January 2, 2008 - I've finally got this thing up and going. Quite a feat, considering how computer illiterate I am. I have begun meditating! Yeah! I've been reading a book about a woman's spiritual journey and she writes of a Sanskrit meditation, Ham-sa. On the inhale, hahhhm and the exhale, sahhhh. Translation to english is: "I am That". Sanskrit translation of "That" is God. I do this as I am going to sleep. I know meditation is supposed to be sitting up - yadda, yadda, but I'm perfectly happy doing this under a warm electric blanket. This all brings me to the suffering mystic question. Is it a requirement to suffer? I used to think so but thank goodness I no longer believe. I do not believe we were not intended to suffer. I think the stories of the suffering mystics do us some harm. The old saying "you must pay your dues" leads us to beleive we must suffer before we are successful - hogwash! And, you don't have to give everything away after you are successful. What good would that do? One should give of self and share but not to the point of giving it all away, unless that would make someone completely happy. But to give it all away and then regret it, is not good. One should give freely but not feel required.
I still have not begun self-healing with Reiki. I am being - oh god, do I dare say "lazy"? I must admit I could be self-healing instead of writing this but perhaps this is my way of sharing. I do know I am driven to pass my spiritual lessons to anyone wanting to learn. I believe by sharing - we all have the opportunity to learn and that is why we are here - isn't it?

Learning the Question

It is January 31, 2007. My numerology number for the year is 7 which indicates a year of introspection. This means I am on a quest of "spiritual seeking". Hummm...thought I was already doing that! I went to a psychic fair, in November, and that gentle man told me my chakras were blocked. I knew that. I know I should be performing Reiki on myself. I know I should do it on a daily basis. I know....I know..... What I don't know is WHY I don't. Am I lazy? Am I depressed? Why do I use housework (ugh) as an excuse NOT to meditate? I don't like doing housework but it was a shameful moment when that gentle psychic man told me, "You need to clean your house." I asked the question, although I knew his answer, "My spiritual house or my house/house?" He smiled. "Your house/house". I believe his next words, "Be careful what you throw away. There is something you think is junk but is really very valuable", was intended to spur me into action. Have I come across such an article? Not yet, but then I haven't completed the task. My own belief is I will find a "house". This morning, I was determined to clean a spot for an alter - but then my gaze fell up the dirty dishes piled in the sink and the coffee pot hadn't been cleaned - well, it was beginning to chug. I always look forward to that first pot of coffee after all the slugh has been cleaned. Yes, I am a spiritual person who prefers coffee to green tea. I know...I know.... So, I used cleaning the coffee pot and washing the dishes as my excuse not to clear a space for "my alter". Why?
That word "why" keeps haunting me. Another question the dear gentle psychic man asked was, "Why do you keep sabotaging yourself?" Gee, if I knew the answer to that one I wouldn't be sitting here asking myself all these questions and I probably would have been a millionaire - years ago!
It's not like I don't know where the answer is - it is inside my soul. It's not that I haven't read an unaccountable number of spiritual books, performed numerous worksheets, placed many notes to Angels, The Divine Universe, etc., etc., under my pillow asking for Divine Intervention, and I truly expected to wake the next morning shining with the brilliant white light of knowledge! Silly me! In reality, it all comes to the fact that I am not disciplined enough to do the work. Light bulb moment! But then I knew that - didn't I?